today has been one of those kinds of days where everyone you interact with sees and hears you, but you don't really hear and see them. does that make sense? today was another of those "out of it" sort of days. i'm not sure what it is or what it was. i guess i just feel like i've had a craptacular month. i feel like i've managed to systematically either have a lot of my closest friends get upset wtih me, or me get upset with them. i have all these strange thoughts running thru my head... things that i want to do or say, but they'd be the meanest things ever. things that i would never normally think of doing or saying. it wouldn't be me. these thoughts are just bubbling and are wanting to come out...but yet, i value these friendships so much that i'm trying so hard to hold it in. if i let them out, i'm gonna hurt someone. i'll prolly just regret it if i just let the mean things come out...
it makes me question. what are these friendships of mine? these relationships? how does everyone fit into the puzzle of zet? yes, some puzzle pieces i hold dearly and cling to. do these pieces still fit the same in the puzzle? it doesn't seem so. i guess that scares me somewhat. i hate change. i don't like the thought of changing the puzzle. yet throughout this summer the puzzle has been rearranged. there are extra pieces in certain corners, there are missing pieces leaving a gaping hole, and my whole puzzle no longer fits together into the pretty picture i once thought it did.
who are these friends i thought i knew? ones i once swore i would do anything for, give anything for. would they do the same for me? i type with shaky hands as i'm not so sure anymore. about 2 years ago i went on somewhat of a campaign to tell my friends how i felt about them. to some, this meant opening myself up to be shot down. i made myself vulnerable for as long as it took to say 3 words. thankfully, it all seemed pretty much reciprocated. i remember each of those people. i remember the circumstances of each time i said it to someone. two on the phone. one in a car while he was driving me home...that was prolly the most surprising yet memorable answer. but if i did the same today, i'm not sure it would be the same people. why not? where did those friendships go? why did we not maintain and improve that friendship? it saddens me.
and it's so weird. this day has passed in a blur. it's like, 4:30am and i'm still awake and blogging. something tells me that i'm going to have to call in with a headache in the morning. i'll blame it on the heat.
it makes me question. what are these friendships of mine? these relationships? how does everyone fit into the puzzle of zet? yes, some puzzle pieces i hold dearly and cling to. do these pieces still fit the same in the puzzle? it doesn't seem so. i guess that scares me somewhat. i hate change. i don't like the thought of changing the puzzle. yet throughout this summer the puzzle has been rearranged. there are extra pieces in certain corners, there are missing pieces leaving a gaping hole, and my whole puzzle no longer fits together into the pretty picture i once thought it did.
who are these friends i thought i knew? ones i once swore i would do anything for, give anything for. would they do the same for me? i type with shaky hands as i'm not so sure anymore. about 2 years ago i went on somewhat of a campaign to tell my friends how i felt about them. to some, this meant opening myself up to be shot down. i made myself vulnerable for as long as it took to say 3 words. thankfully, it all seemed pretty much reciprocated. i remember each of those people. i remember the circumstances of each time i said it to someone. two on the phone. one in a car while he was driving me home...that was prolly the most surprising yet memorable answer. but if i did the same today, i'm not sure it would be the same people. why not? where did those friendships go? why did we not maintain and improve that friendship? it saddens me.
and it's so weird. this day has passed in a blur. it's like, 4:30am and i'm still awake and blogging. something tells me that i'm going to have to call in with a headache in the morning. i'll blame it on the heat.
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